


No promises

by bunnysworld



Category: Merlin (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Drama, M/M, RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 03:39:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1089175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bunnysworld/pseuds/bunnysworld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the show on Christmas Eve, Colin isn't in any hurry to go back home. He knows it's going to be a lonely Christmas Day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No promises

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Merlin RPF II 2013 at merlinrpf over on LJ.
> 
> Thanks to issy5209 for the beta! Anything still in there is entirely mine.
> 
> Disclaimer: This story is just a figment of my imagination and has nothing to do with the real people. It only ever happened in my mind, no offence meant. 
> 
> This can be read as a sequel to [Hospitalized](http://archiveofourown.org/works/976146). But I think you don't have to read that to be able to follow this one.

Colin grinned as he took a deep breath. He should have been used to the screaming at the stage door by now, but it baffled him each and every evening. He took it as a sign that the people liked his performance and didn’t even want to think about the fact that they might be screaming just for him because that made no sense at all. He smiled at Chris, who didn’t only watch out for them, but held an umbrella for him and then Colin started to sign while he listened to what the fans told him, thanked them for the gifts and took his time. 

Most of the others had dashed out after the show, it was Christmas Eve; they wanted to be with their families. But Colin had nowhere to go but home and since he had nothing better to do, he signed every program and ticket that was held his way. 

He was still in a bit of a daze, trying to shake his character. Usually, all it took was a shower to wash off the theater blood and get all the nasty gel and hairspray out of his hair, but for some strange reason, the show had been a lot more intense today. 

When the last person had their autograph, Colin waved at the crowd, shouted a “Merry Christmas, everyone.” and got back into the building. He never understood the fans’ need to give him presents and gifts, he was just doing a job and that they were there, supporting him, was more than he had ever hoped for. But especially now, this close to Christmas and his birthday, they seemed to be more active and each night he was packed with little crafted presents or home-made cookies and stuff. While he appreciated the gesture, he thought by now they all understood that he wouldn’t eat any of it, especially with his dietary needs. And if he kept all the plush toys and other things they gave him, he would need a house as big as Buckingham Palace soon.   
He just dropped all the bags and things on the table and then went to get his backpack. Wishing everyone who was still in the building happy holidays, he pulled his beanie deeper into his eyes and put the headphones around his neck. 

The streets were almost deserted at this time of night and the bright Christmas lights everywhere gave the scenery an eerie glow. The rain hadn’t stopped. With a bit of luck, he would catch the last tube home. A taxi would have been more comfortable, but it would also bring him to his place a lot quicker and there was no need to rush. Sitting on the train, Colin didn’t even feel like pulling his Ipad out and checking his messages, knowing most of them would just be “Merry Christmas”-y wishes of some sort from friends and relatives. 

He knew he was a workaholic, but these were the times he missed them most. It was Christmas Eve and all he was looking forward to was his couch, a blanket and a book. Or maybe he could look into those scripts his agent sent over the other day? Since he had to be back at the theatre on Boxing Day, he had decided against a flight to Northern Ireland, so all he could do was call his parents the next day. 

His stomach grumbled as he climbed the stairs at his station. Colin pulled his keys out of his pocket and pondered reheating the left-over soup from the day before or maybe eating a peanut butter sandwich as he walked down the street. But he was tired, so he’d probably just fall down onto his couch and call it a night with one of his favorite movies. 

As he entered the building and climbed the stairs up to his apartment, he startled when he reached the top floor. There was a figure sitting on the stairs in the half-dark. Was it one of his crazy fans? Had they finally found out where he lived? Hadn’t he been careful enough? Had he been followed? His heart was beating a bit faster as he fumbled for his mobile in the front pocket of his jeans and reached for the light switch with his other hand, his mind whirling. Would the person leave if he just asked them to? Would he have to call the police? Would his neighbors wake up if he just yelled loud enough? Would he have to move? Too bad, he liked his little place. 

The bulb flickered to life as the figure got up. “Hey.”

All of a sudden, the person looked and sounded very familiar. “Bradley?”

“Yeah.” 

Colin was faced with an uncertain smile. “What are you doing here?” 

Bradley shoved his hands in the back pockets of his jeans. “I thought…”

Brushing past him to unlock the door, Colin wasn’t sure of what he was feeling. He was tired, hungry and yes, if he was honest, he felt a bit lonely. That Bradley had showed up on his doorstep on Christmas Eve didn’t really help. 

They had tried. Really, they had. But their best efforts hadn’t been good enough. 

He entered, put his backpack down and hung his jacket up while he toed his runners off. Rubbing his hands together, he went over to the heating and switched it on. If he were alone, he would get away with burying himself under the blankets, but it was too cold for company.

Bradley had followed him in, bringing the huge Styrofoam container that had been sitting on the stairs next to him.

Colin watched Bradley closely as they both moved around his little kitchen in silence, pulling cutlery out of the drawer, finding paper towels for napkins. They had done this so many times before that it was almost like a well-rehearsed ballet. And yeah, this was what they were doing: Dancing around each other.

“Bradley…” Bradley hadn’t said anything and Colin was at a loss of words. He had been deliriously happy that Bradley had come back when he was sick this summer. They had taken it from there. But as always with them, things hadn’t really worked. They were great together between the sheets. When they finally took that step, he had come harder than in a long time and had allowed himself to totally withdraw from the public for a few weeks and living in a happy bubble with Brad.

But then he had taken the offer for playing Skinny and things had become tense. After his trip to the States, Bradley had declined a few offers and then the offers had stopped coming. It had made Bradley irritated and sometimes downright unbearable. He hated when Colin left for rehearsals and pouted when he came back late after going out for a beer to get to know his new co-stars. When Colin made the mistake to jokingly mention that Bradley was probably jealous that he got to be on stage with some of the big names, Bradley had snapped. They’d had a big fallout and in the end, Bradley had yelled “I hate you!” and stormed out, slamming the door. Colin had been close to laughing; ready to applaud the diva-esque exit, but Bradley hadn’t come back.

He hadn’t answered his phone or reacted to texts and emails. Colin had sent him a ticket to the opening night of MOJO but the seat had stayed empty. A few weeks later, he’d gotten news that Bradley was in LA again. 

And now there they were. At his place, ready to have some very late dinner that was carefully picked from the menu of his most favorite restaurant, as he noticed. They sat down on the couch and started to eat. But even though he was really hungry, he couldn’t stuff his face now. 

Colin had sworn to not let it get to him any longer, but the radio silence had hurt. The way Bradley completely retreated and just couldn’t be found anywhere was something he had perfected. Colin knew he shouldn’t care. But he did. 

“So…,” he put his fork down.

Bradley threw him a quick look. “Aren’t you hungry? I thought you must be hungry. You’re way too thin once again.”

“That’s part of my job and you know that. I can’t afford to gain weight while I’m on stage every night playing a guy named ‘Skinny’.” Colin sighed. 

“Still, you need to eat. You were about to just curl up on the couch again, weren’t you? Without having a proper dinner. You didn’t eat before the show, did you? No, you never do.” Bradley was avoiding his gaze as he shoveled the food into his mouth.

Was it so easy to see through him? When that seat had stayed vacant on opening night, Colin had just stopped eating. Needing to stay slim for the role was just half the truth. He had eaten less and less and worked himself harder and harder. But… “Bradley, why are you here?”

Taking a deep breath that he let out as a sigh, Bradley stopped eating. “I…I missed you, I guess.”

Colin rubbed his hand over his eyes. He didn’t want to sound accusing and didn’t know how to phrase what was going through his mind.

“My own fault, I know. I was the one who left.” Bradley sighed again.

“You ran.” Colin set his plate onto the coffee table. 

“That’s one way of putting it. But…,” Bradley shoved his food around on his plate with his fork. “…I came back, didn’t I?” He threw Colin a side-ways look.

They sat in silence for a while. 

“Colin? Say something.”

Colin drew a shaky breath. “What do you want me to say?”

“That you forgive me and will love me forever?” Bradley smiled a bit awkward.

“Fuck, Bradley,” Colin got up and walked the three steps to the window. He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans as he looked outside. “You know I will love you forever,” he whispered. “But I’m not sure I can go on like this.” 

Bradley leaned his elbows onto his knees and looked down at his hands. “I know I screwed up again. I…I don’t even know…I’m not having the best of times since we finished the show, you know?”

“I know.” Oh, how he knew. “But each time you make me believe you’re letting me try to help, to be there for you, you’re shoving me away again.” The heavy rain outside made Colin feel like there was nothing else in this world but his small apartment with him and Bradley in it. 

“I’m…do you have any idea how difficult it is to see all of you getting work and nobody cares about me? I go to audition after audition and all people do is look at me, go ‘oh, it’s Arthur’ and that’s all. I never hear back from them. I can’t even fucking get a stupid commercial!” Bradley jumped up but then the energy left him and he just stood there.

“Maybe that’s because you said you would never do a commercial.” They had been through this before. How Bradley had burned some bridges at the height of their Merlin-fame and how exactly that was one of the issues now. 

“They don’t want me on any stage in this country.” Bradley sighed. “There are too many clips of me messing up my lines. But I am different working on a play, Colin!”

“I know.” They’ve been through this a hundred times. 

Part of Colin was happy that Bradley was here, thankful that he tried to take care of him again by bringing food. He was longing to bury his face in the nape of Bradley’s neck and breathe in his familiar scent, but the rest of him was reluctant. What did it mean that Bradley had shown up here on Christmas Eve?

“If you’re here to discuss your career issues, Bradley, I have to…”

“No!” Bradley interrupted him. “I’m here because I fucking missed you. I can’t seem to function without you.”

“Eoin threw you out.”

Bradley got up with a chuckle. “He didn’t. He left for Dublin this morning. You know how he is. It’s Christmas and he has to go home.”

“And you didn’t know what to do with yourself so you decided to come here.” Colin was still facing the window. He needed that bit of distance between Bradley and himself. The moment he turned, he knew he would just forgive Bradley and wrap his arms around him. And he wasn’t ready for that yet.

“No, I…” Bradley sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it was a mistake coming here.” But he didn’t move.

“Put yourself in my place, Brad. Imagine us being together. Imagine it’s all you ever wanted. Imagine being happy. And all of a sudden I yell at you and run out and you can’t find me for weeks. And then you find out, I left the country only to show up out of nowhere in the middle of the night.” Colin made a pause. “What would you do?”

“Wrap my arms around you without thinking twice and never let you go again.” The answer came immediately. 

“It’s not that easy.” It might have worked when they first met. It might even have worked had he not been in the hospital when Bradley came back this summer. But now? Colin wasn’t sure. “How long will you stay this time? When will I be totally falling apart again because you ran once more?” Colin crossed his arms in front of his chest. He wanted to believe it would work this time. But he wasn’t sure he was done piecing himself back together and his heart still felt the bruise from last time. 

Bradley didn’t say anything for a while. “I can’t go on without you.”

Colin turned and looked at Bradley, took in the slumped shoulders and the sad eyes. “So you want me to forgive you because _YOU_ can’t go on? What about me? How do I fit into this aside from being there for you?”

“I…I don’t know. I…I would love to promise you ‘forever’.” Bradley’s gaze didn’t falter. “I would lie, I just don’t know. I can only promise to try.”

Colin tried to breathe evenly. He knew this was honest. If Bradley right away had promised him a ‘happily ever after’, he’d have tossed him out right now. But this…Colin turned around again and hoped it wouldn’t show that he was shaking. “It hurt. It fucking hurt.”

“I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

When he felt Bradley’s hand on his shoulder, Colin closed his eyes. 

“How are you, Cols? What are you feeling now?”

Drawing a shaky breath, Colin whispered, “I’m lonely.” He had never admitted this to anyone. It wasn’t easy to try a normal relationship in a profession like theirs. And it was way more difficult when you had reached a certain point and most everyone in the country and a lot of people around the globe knew your face. Even more so if you were into blokes or rather into one in particular. The stubborn, sometimes pompous, blond arse that had his arms wrapped around his middle now. 

“I’m right here.” Bradley whispered into his neck. “If you can forgive me, I’ll be right here. I’ll wait for you to come back after the show, jealous of your success, loving you for it. I’ll cook for you…”

A tear made its way down Colin’s cheek but he couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re the worst cook this side of the Thames.”

“I could…I don’t know…find the best take-out places..and…” Bradley didn’t let go and Colin leaned back into him. 

“…not vanish again without a warning and answer texts and calls in time?” Colin swallowed hard. He had missed Brad so badly. When he hadn’t been there for the opening night, something in Colin had died. It was as if he had run out on him again. And now he was back and promised him nothing. Nothing that he couldn’t keep. Was his heart ready for another rejection at some point in the future or would it totally break him? But maybe it would break him completely, if he sent Bradley away now? Feeling his body heat through some layers of fabric and his arms around him made it difficult to think. 

“I could do that, I think.” Bradley murmured against his neck, his lips just a fraction away from that sensitive spot underneath Colin’s hairline. 

Colin shivered and drew in a breath. “Don’t.”

“Not going to now.” They just stood like that for a while before Bradley spoke up again. “Do you want me to leave?”

Shaking his head slightly, Colin didn’t know what to do. He wanted Brad to stay but he sure wouldn’t sleep with him now, his feelings were still too mixed up. “It’s late and it’s still raining.”

Bradley huffed out a small chuckle against Colin’s shoulder. “Yeah…it’s raining…”

Hearing the faintest of smiles in Bradley’s voice, Colin took a deep breath. “We could watch a movie or something.”

“Yeah, movie sounds good. What do you have in mind?”

“Nightmare before Christmas?”

“That’s what this is for you? Maybe I better leave…”

Colin managed a chuckle. “No, dufus. But it’s one of my favorite movies.”

Slowly letting go of Colin, Bradley went over to the DVD shelf. “I know.” He found the movie and brought it over. Colin got drinks, ate a bit more of his now cold dinner and watched the film. 

About twenty minutes in, he found himself leaning against Bradley, who had wrapped an arm around his shoulder and it felt like they had never stopped doing this. The bells of the nearby church were chiming and it was Christmas.


End file.
